me
Posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007who am i?
am i the smiling or the sad?
the “thinking too much” or the “not thinking”?
the “yesterday”, “tommorrow” or “today”?
am i different on the outside so much? do people see through me? even when i don’t want them to? do i want them to see?
am i the good or the bad?
am i the true or the false?
the weak or the strong? – definitely the weak.
am i to be trusted? no, not always
does what i feel or think makes any difference, or only my actions do?
am i asking too much of others? am i expecting too much of me?
am i so confused?
i look at people on the street each time i take a cab – and i like it cause i can just sit in the back and look outside and there is no one to ask me why am i so silent. and i look at the houses, the streets, i look at people. and i a thinking that everyone of them has a story, has something they like most and they detest most, has something funny or sad to tell, something stupid or clever, something they fear or something they love. each one of them has dissappointments and moments of happiness. each has someone to love.
am i different from them? no. they are me. those laughing children not knowing worries, those serious people hurrying withouth noticing anything around, those women gossiping on the street, those drivers cursing and losing their patience. all those dark coates during winter, like a costume. all those umbrellas on a raining day.
and all those people just walking from point A to point B withouth enjoying the trip. heads down, concentrated. i wonder what are they thinking. i love those moments when i smile on the street, on my own. when i remember somehing funny and i can’t stop smiling like an idiot. those moments when i am laughing on the phone, those moments when i watch the trees from the car, or the sunset. that very first moment i see the sea, each time, making me feel excited, like a child. that very first moment.
these are for me those moments when that “walk from point A to point B” exists. it is not only those 5, or 10 minutes or 3 hours which passed.
what makes me different? what makes me think – or not – the way i do? or reacting to people or situations the way i do? could i do it different? have a different reaction? or am i programmed to do it like this? what makes me feel the way i do?
am i happy just being me? cause me is the person i am gonna spend the whole life with. and what would i change? what parts of me would i sacrifice to aquire others? would i change being weak into having guts if this would make me less sensible? would i miss that feeling watching a sunset gives me to be able to, for example “give good people bad news”? where is my equillibrium?
Tags: ghosts, just thoughts
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