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a star has fallen…

Posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007
a friend of mine died. i dont’ even know what i could say to be more that this.
it so sad. so sad because of the pain he left behind. not in us, who knew him so little, but in his family and close friends. i don’t even wanna imagine how they must feel, cause it is too much.
i only know i wish it wasn’t like this. he was a great man, great to have as a friend, and i think it was an honour to have met him. it was too soon. it is always too soon. and the thought of never see him again. god!
i hate having friends. and i hate loving people. and i hate getting used to people. cause in the end, on way or another i’m gonna loose them. be it my mistake of just fate, it is gonna happen. and it will tear my heart off. so what is the use? wouldn’t it be better if i just didn’t care? no. cause i love them. and in a way i live through them. through their smiles and and their happiness and through theirsadness, and through their music.
just now my friend called me to listen to buenavista live, from the concert? and what did i do? hahahaha
i started to cry.
“sensible inside “…God! i wish i weren’t.
and i am thinking. are my tears worth it? no.
god!

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the old lady

Posted on Thursday, April 26th, 2007

i went today to the hospital to see mari. i hate hospitals. i hate the smell, the silence, the order and the white, the pain. i specially hate the silence there. like it is meant to depress people in there. and the smell. god! it is the smell of sickness and of medicines. i hate it. i would go crazy to stay there over night.
and there was a lady, 81 years old. she was so beautiful! she must have been a gorgeous one when she was young. and she remembered me of my grandma. and as we left, walking down the stairs, i remembered the hospital in Medias, when i took my grandma as she was ill once. i remember her when she gained strenght, and started telling the doctor everything the other pacients did or didn’t do. and i laughed deep inside as i was crying. she was a great woman. and a beautiful one. and a strong, and yet so sensible. she lost so much and yet succeeded in “shining”, as a friend said. i wish i could be like her. but i am not.
i never wanna cry again.

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people

Posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
i love watching people on the streets. everytime i take a cab, i just watch them as i pass by. most of times not thinking of anything, just watching. they are part of the scenery then, not individuals, but pieces of a whole. i love clearing my thoughts and just watching the crowd. i do it sometimes in salsa, when i just listen to music and watch couple dancing.
other times i am sunk deep in my thoughts and i don’t actually see them. but they are there, walking, living their lives, surrounding me.
other times, i am studying them. i look at what they are wearing, at the way they walk, their faces. and then they become individuals to me. they become lives and stories, and sadness, and happyness.
i sometimes actually look at some of my clients. specially at old people. there is so much in their eyes. so much we don’t have. it’s probably the years that passed, and the losts they suffered, and the joys they felt. the patience they’ve gained. and the sadness at their own weakness and their pain. at the inevitable. and i cannot stop thinking about my grandparents. and my father. cannot stop finding similarities. i cannot stop finding things in common. i cannot stop the pain. as if i am searching for them. for a look, or for a smile that would look live. i have their images in my head and heart, i remember them, but it is painfull. cause i never find it. it is never enough. and then it’s coming back to my mind they are really gone. no look, no smile, no voice that resembles to theirs is enough. none is the same. it is not them.
and i am thinking that all the smiles in the world could not stop the pain of missing them. could not stop the regret. and i am not giving this pain for all the smiles in the world.

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