i regret

On February 15, 2007 by alinaki

i miss my father, my grandma and grandpa. i regret every time i could have seen them and didn’t, i regret every promise i made them and didn’t keep, i regret every call i didn’t make.

i regret every tear on my grandma’s eyes each time i left and every moment they missed me.

i regret every moment i lost in my relation with my father, every thing i didn’t learnt from him while he was here.

i regret every time i got angry with them, or i didn’t have patience with them.

every time i feel good about something i do i just have to remember i wasn’t there when they needed me most and i realise i’m no good at all.

i regret i wasn’t there for my father when he was gone, i regret for telling him i will be there after the operation, and listening to him not to come earlier.

i regret i wasn’t there for my grandma, which raised me from the age of 1. i regret every time i promised her i will come more often and didn’t.

and, as painful as it would have been to have myh grandpa dying in my arms, i am grateful that at least i was there, even if i don’t know if he realised it. but at least that pain i have to live with is not as hard as the one of not being there for the others.

i feel so alone not having them. no matter who is around me, there is still this emptiness that no one would fill. my father was more a friend to me, although through the advices he gave me he was the father i could never replace. but i had him soo shortly, too short. although i love my mom from all my heart, we don’t get along in any subject, so everytime i wanted an opinion on anything i talked with myfather. he loved me, supported me, helped me and knew me better than anyone else. he was THE MAN of my life, my friend, my father and my guide.

my grandparents raised me between 1-7 years old, any they were liked parents to me. i loved them and pity them for not having either of their daughters there with them. i loved medias more than oradea and, as a child, i could hardly wait for the vacations to go there.

when they were gone, they took a part of me which i will never have back, neither would i wanna replace with something else than this pain.

i never thought much about family till i lost them.
and then i realised that my grandparents were the people that would have always loved me, no matter what stupid thing i would have done, they were the place i would always find confort in, and strenght, they were my home.
no matter how upset and angry they would have been at a time or another, in the end they were never dessapointed in me, and they loved me without asking for anything in return.
i realised that no one will love me like that – except for my mom, in her specific way – and as life will go on and i will, as any human, and in spite of any effort, make mistakes, i will dissapoint and loose people, which will never be able to see me like they did, their 3 years old little angel which was the center of their universe, and whose smile made them talk about it for a full day.

i look at the people around me sometimes trying to find that look they had when watching me, and i cannot find it. and i feel alone and so closed inside, like there is a bareer between me and them…not from my part, but in a way i feel like i am left outside. and i trusted them, all three of them with everything. i had that feeling of confidence and complete trust. i am looking around and search that again but i cannot feel it.
and then i am thinking: would i be able to give the same love to others would i be able to give everything without expecting anything in return?

at first after loosing them it hurt every single day. it hurt remembering everything good and everything i didn’t do. but then, there came my worst fear – that i would forget.

i frigthens me the day i will think of them withouth feeling pain, or just forgetting simple things about them till the whole image would blur. maybe it will never happen, but it still scares me. i preffer feeling the pain every day, but not forget.
not forget the feeling i had around them and the pain of loosing them. not forget the smiles, the laughs, the smell of my grandma’s cooking, the discussions i had with my grandpa, and the lessons my dad taught me.
and especially, not forget the love for them

i have to stop

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