pretending

On February 18, 2007 by alinaki
pretending… a friend of mine used this word.
we all pretend, in a way or another. we pretend not to hear when we don’t want to, we pretend to like something we don’t, or not to be interested in something we are actually interested in, we pretend we don’t feel anything when we actually do.

when someone attacks me, i pretend not to hear it, or not to notice, or not to bother, and it ends there. if there would be a reaction from me, then she/he will go on. it is the easiest way out.

i pretend sometimes i am enjoying myself when i would rather go and hide in a corner. i can laugh, make jokes, always could. maybe my eyes wouldn’t lie, but no one really is looking to see if you are there for real, when everyone is having a good time. besides, i don’t think someone should get worried about me feeling sad at a moment or another.

and there is this so “cliche” question: “how are you” – it is like a “hello”, and the answer is always “fine, and you?”.
it is ironic to answer “awfull, and you?”

it is almost impossible for me not to show when i am happy, and in a way, i don’t intend to hide it.

is there a difference between pretending and lying? i guess not.
i don’t know why it came to me first to write about this first, when i should have first written about what a great day i had :) . perhaps because i am an incurable pesimist.
i have never been able to pretend i liked someone when i didn’t. there weren’t many persons in my life i didn’t like, and with them i always tried to keep the distance and resumed to “hello”, although i preffered not to pay attention to them at all. but, there weren’t many persons in my life i disliked.
usually what i learn to hide was having been hurt. even now, ehrn someone tells me something that i feel hurting, and i say “hey, that hurt” i am saying it like a joke, or at least trying . cause my first reaction is obvious and i cannot hide it. i don’t like feeling vulnerable in front of others because of my fears of worries or problems. perhaps cause i don;t want anyone making fun of something that i consider a “delicate subject”. when i first join my dance school, i never talked to anyone about anything regarding me, as i was informed from the very first moment tha\” here they are eating each others”. so i preffered to keep the details about my life to myself. i still do in a way, but started to communicate. but i still prefer to have others telling me about them selves, as i know what is “preivate”, than to talk about myself things that are too personal. perhaps everybody is the same.

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