losing

On February 21, 2007 by alinaki
i love the moment.
i love the past.
i hate the future.

i love the moment cause i have all these wonderful people i know here. i love them with their laughs and their smiles, i love them with their tears and their smalltalks, with their questions and with their problems, with their loves and their envies. i don’t necessarily interact with them every moment, but i feel them around and i feel home.

i love the past cause it brings me all these memories, all these things o learned from the people i met, all these feelings i had for them. i sometimes see a place or hear a song that remembers me of a past event so clearly as it were yesterday. i feel then the way i felt in the past when it actually happened. and it brings togheter a little bit of sadness.

i hate the future for it will sooner or later bring and end to it. i hate the future cause for a reason or another will take away people from around me. i hate it cause it is merciless. i hate it cause i don’t know it.

a friend of mine, who is also our dance teacher, had an accident today and it was mere luck he got unharmed. and i realised how fragile this whole world around me is. it makes me furious for not being able to do anything about it. it makes me sad for not being able to help.
i love dancing, and i consider our friend to be the heart of our dance school, as, first of all, he was its founder. and i realised today that this also will not last forever. someday i will not dance anymore. this thought is frigthening me, crawling into my heart cold and threathening. i cannot imagine now myself not dancing. it is part of me as it is my blood.

i saw once the video of “dance me to the end of love” – leonard cohen – it was about losing the loved one and it broke my heart.

i cannot even think about this. but i can think only this: when the time will come, if we will be old, i wish to die second. cause i cannot wish the one i love to remain alone :(

i wish i could just look smiling into the future, but i feel as it has nothing good to offer, only losts.
and i don’t feel i have the heart for it.
i know i have to stop thinking like this, i am not doing it every moment, but there are times when all these comes into my mind and it is impossible to ignore them.

so, i stick ot the moment, and the near future:) , cause this means expectations and excitment.
and to this i can smile.

on the very near future i have somethig to work (that i started last night and stopped in order to sleep)

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