decision making

On February 6, 2008 by alinaki

first i had something else on my mind but then decided to write about one of my worst fears: “making decisions“.

this is the simple truth…having to make decisions terrifies me and perhaps everyone.

i know life is full of crossroads, but why do I have to go through them? i mean there is an equilibrium in everything, it never passes you by, never forgives you, and i feel it each time.

for each thing you choose that is good for you, there is something you leave behind that affects either you – in the best case – or someone else- and usually not for the good.
and what do i fear more? doing wrong to myself or to others?

of course “I am the most important person for myself“, or at least that is what in a way or another we all have been taught, but there are moments, after making a decision on haste, that i want to give up everything. not because what i chose was not the best thing for me, but because ” what i chose was the best thing for me“, because in that very moment i made my choice, “I was the most important person for me“.

perhaps it makes no sense, but it is the way i feel.

there are times when the regret for that something i am rejecting or leaving behind upsets me more than is making me happy that something i chose. i should just enjoy my choice and forget about anything else. but i can’t.

and that is not because i necessarily miss (although i sometimes do) what i don’t have anymore, but because i had to choose against it. perhaps it is a “pseudo ethical” issue, or i just enjoy transforming myself into a martyr…hahaha.. i hope not.

would i like it better if someone else made them for me? of course not. we have the right to choose. but to what cost… and if i don’t like someone else making decisions for me, what right do i have to make them affecting others?

it makes you sad to let go to a thing, object, animal, house…but to a person? to a person that has her/his own feelings, thoughts?

how do you decide whom you let in? whom you trust? cause liking/loving is out of the question, you just do them, not decide to do them. how do you decide to whom you open, whom you let see you “naked”, without the clothes of words, lying, behavior, common sense? just you? with your fears, and emotions, feelings, your sorrows? how scary is the feeling of someone invading your mind and soul intimacy?

how do you decide when to give up? when to stop fighting, when to say it is enough? i did everything i could, there’s nothing left? it is time to let go? how you know when is that point when you have nothing more to give or loose for a cause, a person, a relationship? when you decide that it is the time to leave the dead with the dead and start living again? how do you decide when to forget? that is probably one of the most difficult choices.

my father once told me that the suiciders are not the most coward, but the bravest men. because by choosing to suicide, they give up the last chance to solve their problems. in a way i agree.

how do you decide when it is time to walk away without looking back? these are also decisions we sooner or later make in life…and together with them, comes the unforgiving “WHAT IF…?”

-12.02.07-

One Response to “decision making”

  • Mi-ar placea sa vad pe site-ul tau si o pagina scrisa in romaneste, o sectiune mica si ar conta mult.

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