no title

On June 26, 2009 by alinaki

tonight a part of me has died…again

and it makes me wonder how many parts i have left…to die also… are there enough?

should i start hating what i love, just to keep them?

i know i’m demanding, i know i’m “duracell”, but this “keep going” is what is keeping me sane.

i also feared what “no salsa” would mean. i just didn’t expect to learn so soon.

only the thought kept me crying till i could no more. and yet, the last half year salsa meant at most one night/week = 3-5 hours. ok, i need a partner, ok, good guys are hard to find… i think i should start looking lower…

so now, instead of going to dance every day, i’m reduced to not going at all, and the mere thought is driving me crazy.

it feels like there’s no joy left. yes, i know i’m selfish, not thinking that for others going to a salsa club and not being able to interact with the others and not wanting to dance from i don’t imagine what stupid idea or stubbornness feels like wasting time, but on the other hand, when “not going” out anywhere, no matter what music is playing seems right, then the problem i think is not salsa.

so now, after i put my despair in a corner where i’m sure i will find it waiting for me a little later, i should start thinking what i should do. at first, i gave up everything. this is my first impulse when i feel i loose something, i give up everything else i like. so, no greece this year. greece means 30% salsa. no salsa, no greece. i cannot go there, see my friends there and not go in at least one of the evenings to a salsa club. then, i don’t know. i just know that in this very moment, i feel like i wish tommorrow never came, neither the day after tommorrow, or all the rest of the next fucking week or the weeks that will follow. (i think i just used “fuck” the first time on this site…)

2 Responses to “no title”

  • alinaki – the sun will shine, believe me, it will! even if you can’t understand the meaning of all that, it’s hard – I know, but everything happens for a reason…be strong and “keep going”!…there are people who believe in you…I believe in you:)

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