today

On March 7, 2007 by alinaki
today is the time for everything
it is the time for i’m sorry and it is the time for i wish
it is the time for i’m scared and it is the time for i hope
it is the time for smiling and it is the time for crying

i am sorry for all the things i said and even more for all the things i didn’t say.
i am sorry for all those moments when a word from me would have made a difference and i choosed the wrong one or kept the silence. i am sorry for all the things i hide through my words or through a smile. i am sorry for all the time i tried to convince someone and i am sorry for all the time i encouraged someone if i wasn’t sure it was the best option. i am sorry for all the times i didn’t show the others what i felt and i am sorry for the times i did. i am sorry for all he moments i choosed wrong. and for all the moments i missed.

i am sorry for what i did and even more for what i didn’t do. there is a time for everything, a unique time and it can never be found again.

there isn’t a second chance for a first impression. there isn’t a second chance for doing or saying something. one cannot remake the situation, the scenery so that an action or word would have the same effect. i found it sad, cause it proves me that time doesn’t forgive anyone. there is no such thing as second chance. that is only an illusion to give us hope.
i wish i were a better person. i wish i could just enjoy life the way it is. i wish i could just enjoy things without a worry. i wish i stopped looking for answers, and just take things the way they are. i wish i could find happiness where it should be – within myself.
i wish sadness was just a word i never learned.
i wish i could forgive myself the way i forgive others. but it is just so more easy for me to understand someone else or to find excuses for them when making mistakes than myself failing others. i wish i were more feminine and sensual. i wish i was a woman, not a child in the body of a woman. i wish i knew what i want at any moment. i wish i wouldn’t be so confused so many times. i wish i was stronger. i wish i wouldn’t cry. i wish i wouldn’t find shelter inside and close myself to the others. i wish i could talk. but even the fact i am writing here is proof of my weaknes and my fear to talk.
i wish i were never afraid of the future, of what others are thinking of me, of failing. i wish i were proud of the way i am and happy with myself.
and what i hate the most about myself is being afraid to do something. i just stay panicked and think of solutions till it is too late. and i do nothing. probably i am expecting for a solution to come, and me just to accept the fact. i don’t know.
i am afraid of silence, i am afraid f loneliness, i am afraid of the future, i am afraid of the others sometimes and of myself. i am afraid of what i want and of what i think. i am afraid of what others think of me and how they influence me.
what is hope?
smiling. i can feel happy and enjoy myself without smiling. it depends. of course i can’t stop laughing when there is somethig funny. even when i dance i don’t always smile, even if i am enjoying every moment. but there are moments when something keeps me smiling for long. and i love it. i hate smiling at job just because i have to. to hell with it. smiling at someone should mean it. there are not enough money in the world for a smile. cause it should come from inside.
i hate crying. i hate it cause i feel like it is draining me inside. it lefts me weak and the pain doens’t go away. i hate the fact that there are moments when i just can’t stop it.
but this is me. this all makes me the way i am. the smiling, and crying, and weakness, and fear, and confussion and wishes. and the regrets. those all are who i am. would i change it if i could? it would mean changing myself.
i don’t know.

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