supporting

On March 9, 2007 by alinaki
what does supporting means?
perhaps i don’t know. but i do know what the lack of it means.
i know how it feels to be soo happy about something, anything and then see the look in the eyes of the man next to you. it’s like “come on!!!, cut it!!!”. and it tears apart all that feeling you have. and it makes you feel somehow guilty. and then i wonder…shoud i feel guilty about being happy as a child now and then? ahould i feel guilty when i smile or laugh? should i feel guyilty when i win? is it my fault? what is wrong?

and these days…

how can i take it to hear the one next to me telling me that he doesn’t think “i am capable” of paricipating in a contest? i love dancing. i love it from all my heart. it is the second time it crosses y mind to just quit it. and it is the second time i am thinking of it because of the discussions i am having. and the first time, i thought it over and i decided that dancing does me good. and i don;t want to stop it.
and now i feel the same. and i know something more. time dosn’t stop for anyone. it doesn;t stop for me. there are things i will not be able to do in the future. things i will regret not having done them. it is already too late for a lot of things.

i cannot behave “like a lady”. this is me. with the silly jokes, the mistakes, the “yupppee”. i cannot imagine myself any other way. with the crying out of nothing or over a stupid thing. with the “needing to escape”.

last night i almost fainted on the dance floor. not enough sleeep the other night, not food, to amny cigarettes. it scared me to death. i hate having my body betray me. there is nothing i can do about it. i didn’t see it coming, and it scared me. it proved me i am not “unbrekable”. it proved me there are things i cannot do. i don’t wanna cry over this but can’t help. i hate it!

and the dancing. should i just give up? close a chapter? forget it? kill that part of my soul that awakes on that music? i cannot imagine life without it.

ok i am irresponsible sometimes. ok, i laugh too laud. ok, i say somethimes some words that make a man blush. ok, i don’t wear skirt too often. ok, i’ve learned to say” no”. ok, i forget. ok,, i do wanna se my mom more often, although we don’t get along too well. ok, i don’t like to make the “difficult” phone calls”. ok, i drive some things to obsession – that not exactly, but close. ok, i can listen to a song on and on withouth getting bored of it. ok, i LOVE SALSA.
that all are part of me. i am not the best, but i am not bad either. i am not more stupid than others.

what am i doing wrong? why can’t i just be “mrs perfect”? would i want to?

oh, god at least i should turn off the music. cause, just like every other time i was sad, i choosed the saddest songs i had. but it helps me heal. i can let it all out, and then “put it there”, as my father taught me. GOD I MISS HIM. he was my spine, my shelter. and i don’t want another one like him in my life, although i am longing for one.

so. supporting. do i give enough to ask for it? am i supporting anyone? the”i’m sorry to hear that” is not enough. so who am i to complain? do i have the right to expect it?
no.

it is not necessarily and only about the dancing. it is about all these theings that have gathered in me and i feel them eating me from the inside. i have so many times said “i wish i was a fool, not to think of anything” and not to feel. especially the sadness. which doesn’t have always an object, a cause. florin sometimes makes fun of me calling me the “forrever depressed”. yeap, that’s me.

ok. gotta get dressed, it is friday night and i gotta look good.
god.

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