talking

On April 21, 2007 by alinaki
lately, a friend pushed me into saying what i was thinking. and i found it many times easier to keep the silence, or make fun, than to say a single word.
there are so many things locked inside, about which i didn’t feel like talking. but writing here at least was a beginning.
still, it has always been hard for me to talk. actually talk with my friends about my problems or feelings, or fears. i have always been a better listener.
why? why is it so difficult for me sometimes to say even a simple “yes” or “no”? perhaps cause it makes me feel exposed. makes me feel like i lost my shield. maybe because i am afraid they will not like me. maybe cause i am wrong, or maybe cause i am just not the “talking” kind.
i hate showing when i am hurt. i don’t want people see it affects me. and, i don’t want my friends worry about me. i hate making fun of a person’s weakness. i don’t think it is fair. actually, i hate attacking people. i do it only when i am forced to, in order to make one stop. and yet, sometimes, when i am joking with my friends, and i am making a little fun of them, i don’t know when to stop. and perhaps i am hurting them. i hope not.
i am cynical or ironic sometimes, but actually i am too easily hurt. i don’t know why. maybe cause i carry a lot of regrets with me and i feel guilty fo anything that looks a little with what i am sorry about. maybe cause i don’t trust myself enough, or who i am, or how i am. perhaps i have no reason to trust in me, or perhaps i should start learning how to.
i am sooooo sleepy now and it’s sooooo cold. probably shoud go to sleep, but i need to finish this first.
i don’t know if saying what i think is the best choice always, but there are moments when i feel like wanting to shout it out loud, and yet, no words come out. i keep the silence. i keep it all in. it is called”diplomacy”, i think. :) ok now i am being ironic.
when i find an answer i have to give “difficult”, i always delay it. always. not necessarily trying to avoid it, rather buying time, and i know the person asking knows. but it is just me hesitating, as i always am. or just buying time. and there were moments when i lost because of this. and probably moments when i will loose because of this. sometimes i am just stubborn. :) or times when i am just scared. which i never admit.
and i don’t know why i am not saying what i have to say. finally, i am already thinking or feeling it by the time i open my mouth. so what is the difference? between thinking and saying? none.
and about my friends, i do the same. let them in till one point. then push them out. keep the shield on. or maybe just buying time. don’t know why i am afraid. i don’t know. perhaps i don’t want to admit sometimes what i am thinking. perhaps keeping my thoughts inside makes them unreal.
have to go to sleep
i read it again, and it makes no sense. really have to go to sleep.

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